As far as I can tell Vegas is the last trip for me this year though there’s plenty of time for that to change and I will not be in the slightest bit surprised if it does. I’ve taken quite a few trips in 2019 learning something new on each one and this one was fortunately no different. It was just last weekend and though I was sick the entire time I thoroughly enjoyed myself and most importantly gained lessons and inspiration I will carry with me for a lifetime.
While driving through what seemed to be endless miles of grassy fields filled with all types of hues of yellow and gold I allowed my mind to drift among their blades swaying softly in the wind. Old scenes from my last relationship played out in my mind as my friend Jeanine snacked in the back, DJ played DJ in the front, Nicole with her headphones doing homework on her laptop right beside me in the middle seats of our rented blue Volkswagen SUV. The memories came flooding back because he was fresh on my mind. We had just spoke not even 48 hours prior to us embarking on our much anticipated birthday trip for DJ’s “slirty thirty” and yes I typed “slirty” it’s a new word we invented on this trip.
My ex told me he had changed and all I could really think about was how much I had changed. I had healed the wounds that once welcomed him.
I remember how depressed I was in his presence the last days of our relationship. I was losing myself. I was losing all my progress and future progress. I was just a loser with him gaining absolutely nothing towards the end and now here I was with my girls laughing and enjoying life to the fullest.
So many women feel like life doesn’t start till “The One” walks into their lives. We act like a relationship is the prerequisite to smiling, to happiness, to feeling like we’re worth wanting, loving, being looked at. I know girls who spend more time on dating apps than they do with themselves or with others nourishing the healthy platonic relationships that already exist in their lives.
I remember when I was so convinced that a relationship was going to fix me. I was going to be happier, feel purposeful and never be alone. I have never been so unhappy, question what my purpose was in life so much or feel so lonely than I did when I was with that man. Granted not all relationships are as crappy as the one I left or crappy at all, but there is nothing like fixing yourself. There is nothing like being able to find yourself desirable in your own gaze. There is nothing like loving your own company AND there is nothing like being happy all by yourself. There is a quote I saw, I believe it’s by Kimani Fambro, it goes, “In math, two halves make a complete one. In life, two broken people seldom complete each other.”
I don’t want another broken relationship. I want a whole one, with a whole person and I realize that I too must be a whole person.
Over the duration of this trip I stayed present and often noted how happy I was and how hard I laughed and how confident I felt in my dresses. I hadn’t felt this way in a while and a lot of the feelings were just simply new to me. I had leveled up emotionally and mentally and I could feel it.
During our trip I felt so loved and supported and cared for by my girls. I was spending time/investing in the relationships that were healthy for me, which also a big reason why I had changed so much since leaving my ex. I do believe that it is incredibly important to nurture and be attentive to the relationships we do have before our partners come busting through our heart’s doors. They tend to be the relationships that are the constants in our lives through all life’s ups and downs.
So cheers to our drunken nights, our inside jokes and our growth through and with each other. Cheers to wine in fast-food cups consumed classily through straws. Cheers to spilling chocolate all over tables and taking inappropriate pictures with a giant duck statue. Cheers to comfy heels and outfits we can’t wait to wear again. Cheers to poolside conversations and alcoholic slushes. Cheers to sewing kits and magical curls. Cheers to making up new words and silly videos in Ubers. And until “The One” comes and even when they do, may we continue to love ourselves, love one another and be as beautiful and bright as those Vegas lights. Cheers!
Cam's Journal 