Today I drove to the cleaners to have alterations made to my dress I’m wearing this weekend. The individual working there asked me for my number and as I started to give my old number I remembered that I had just recently changed it. As I began to give him my new number a warm sensation crept up my body. From sole to soul I knew there was another transaction occurring.
Moments before walking through the door of that place I had walked through another door. I had just got done sending my last responses to an ex who has never had my best in mind and I have the emotional scars to prove it. I had recently given him the last of his things and as I knew he would he used the moment as a means to continue on a conversation I know he thought would lead him back into my life. I cut him off a couple months ago and haven’t bothered to see him or talk to him since. Some of the best months I’ve experienced in a while too.
I wrote this on 10-11-2018.
Looking back on this makes me smile and also causes me to reflect on where I was then and where I thought I would be today. I had been in and out of a relationship with this toxic individual for almost a year. It caused me more damage than I could have imagined. I had given the best of me to the worst person and I really wish I had saved it and given it to the right one.
Today I find it difficult to enjoy some of the things that have brought me the most joy in the past. The things that provided me a safe place for my emotions like dancing and singing. They have in ways become estranged places to me because of the type of relationship that I was in.
See my ex was very abusive mentally and emotionally. A couple times I almost thought the abuse would turn physical because of how angry he would get. For the most part he would simply pick me apart. He found something wrong with every thing about me to the point I began second guessing the things about myself that I was once so sure of.
Towards the end of our relationship I was walking on eggshells, a nervous wreck. I have always struggled with anxiety, but this was a level of anxiety I had never experienced before. I was afraid to be myself.
I get really mad when I think of how I let him hurt me and get me to this point where I don’t even recognize myself on most days. I feel like a watered down version of me. I’m looking and feeling more like myself now, but I know I am still so far from the person I used to be and to some degree I have to accept that I will never get back fully who I was. His presence changed me in ways that I will carry with me forever.
I think I was just unaware of exactly how selfish a person could be. I truly thought that with enough love and support people could feel safe and secure enough to deal with whatever issues were holding them back from truly loving and supporting the people they loved. Turns out when you’re with a narcissist they only drain you and then punish you for not having more to give them afterwards.
Sometimes I see old pictures of me, before him, and remember how full of life I was, how happy I was, how stress free I was, how fit I was and how confident I was. I miss me, the old me. Sometimes however I do love the new Cam. I take red flags more seriously now. I pay attention to my emotions and how I feel around certain people. I am much more protective of my mental and emotional health now that I see what not being protective does to you.
I hate that I went through what I went through, but the wisdom and the lessons I gained from it and now my ability to share it with others has given that time in my life purpose.
Like I said before I will never be who I was before him. Our relationship changed me forever. I do however have the choice to become better instead of bitter.
There are so many other things that I am now insecure about that I wasn’t before and it bothers me. I gained a lot of weight really fast when I was with him. This is one of the main things I get so bummed about because I was the fittest I had been in a while before I met him and then it all went away when we started dating. One of the great things that has come from this is the realization that even when I was skinny I thought that I was overweight. I have learned that it’s not a weight issue it’s a self love issue. I can choose to love and enjoy my body at any size if I so choose to. Being a certain size isn’t going to make me love me more.
I hope that I help someone who has gone through what I have or is going through it right now. There is a way to heal and to move forward successfully. I see my progress every day and though I thought I would be so much further along in my healing process than I am now I realize that this is not a race this is an opportunity. This is an opportunity for me, and hopefully you too, to find out why we dated these people in the first place and to heal all the wounds that once welcomed that type of toxicity into our lives.
I’m slowly becoming healthy inside and out and more confident about who I am and what I look like. There are things that I have done that have benefited me more than I had expected. I have seen results I never knew were possible. The next few posts will be dedicated to sharing these things. I’m really excited and happy to be on this journey and want to take as many people as I can along with me.
I thought that I had given away the best of me to the wrong person and that I would never get it back, but now I see I have saved it.
I have saved it just for you.
Cam's Journal 